Behind the scenes of PND

Round about the time this photo was taken was the first time I thought about disappearing.

I’m not sure what you think post natal depression looks like, but this is it. On the surface it’s smiles, it’s laughter, it’s a big effort to try & make everything appear ‘fine’ when in reality, much of the time you feel anything but. Facebook offers the brilliant opportunity to edit your life & only pick out the best bits, so although I might not have looked depressed, at this point I would go to bed hoping that I might not wake up, because I thought my family & loved ones might be better off without me around.

The isolation of early pregnancy.

What sort of couple get pregnant in their first month of trying? Well, us, actually. Wow.

Yes, I’m pregnant. 6 & a bit weeks pregnant*.

I fear I am becoming THAT mother!

Last year, Little T had only just turned 3 when he was in his first nativity play. I couldn’t actually attend, which was heartbreaking at the time, but I got over it in time.

The teacher explained (I didn’t ask her to) that the younger ones tend to get given the small parts & then – when they’re in the older year – they get a bigger part. Except this didn’t happen for Little T.

Ditching sugar & taking control of feeling ‘eurgh’

I have, for a while now, been making an effort to listen to my body & especially take notice of how it reacts to the food I eat. I know that there are certain foods that would make me bloat up uncomfortably within an hour of eating them & there are some that have a slow burn, but I can wake up feeling like I’ve drunk 4 bottles of wine the following morning after eating them, even if I haven’t touched a drop! Whilst I have been off work, I had quite a bit of time to myself & decided to do some investigating into what could be causing this.

I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant not. I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant not……

This week I joined the thousands of women (maybe even millions, I have no idea?) who are in the ‘am I pregnant?’ limbo land.

If I’m honest, it’s not that great a place to be, but at the same time it’s a wonderful place to be. It’s a place where you can browse pushchairs & maternity wear online & smile conspiratorially to pregnant ladies in the street. It’s also a place where you feel hopeless, just waiting, waiting, waiting for any sign of that angry crimson flush to come & steal your dreams away before you properly had chance to enjoy them.

It’s good to talk.

One of the biggest things that concerned me when I found myself in the fog of hopelessness was telling other people. I was embarrassed that I had let myself get to this point & ashamed to admit that I couldn’t cope. I was also acutely aware that – compared to many – I have nothing to be depressed about; I have a son & husband who love me, loving parents, good friends, a roof over our heads & a job. I have over 1000 friends acquaintances on Facebook, yet I felt totally isolated & like I couldn’t speak to a single person about how I felt.

Under starters orders & terrified.

I’m reluctant to tell anyone other than my closest friends we are ‘trying for a baby’ as I don’t want the extra stress that adds, but I’m writing about it here, as I desperately need to get my insecurities out. I have been forbidden unable to have another baby until now due to the medication I am taking (which you can read about here), but as the date we have been given the green light to try approaches, I am half excited, half terrified. 

We finally have a plan & it feels good.

I suppose this is a follow on to my post entitled ‘Got Milk? My year long journey to a diagnosis of something I’d never heard of’ which you can read here. Briefly, I have PCOS & a tumour on my pituitary gland called a prolactinoma, which took a year to diagnose. 

Hello blog. It’s been a while….

For the past few months, I have been away. Not anywhere exciting, or abroad, but deep inside my mind. I’ve taken a trip into depression & I wouldn’t even give it one star on Trip Advisor.

The weekend I fell in love*

*With my husband. Again.

On Friday Mr T & I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in the beautiful city of Barcelona & I fell in love. With Barcelona & with my husband.

I need to be very clear here: I never fell out of love with Mr T. I have just fallen for him all over again.